Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
