Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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