morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
