what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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