this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
