So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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