Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
