Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
