Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like iHOP with fire
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
