she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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