Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
