I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
