is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
