...so i touched it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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