First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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