Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i wish my penis had a tongue
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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