So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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