this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
