the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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