I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
