apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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