I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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