you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They are going to name an STD after you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
