I smell stomach acid.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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