Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
