Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I FOUND THE LEGS
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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