I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
