so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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