oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
