i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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