Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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