Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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