I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
