She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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