Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
