thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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