Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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