I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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