I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
