I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I AM VODKA MAN
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
