Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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