If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
