I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
