Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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