I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
third nipple confirmed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
