I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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