if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
