its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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