know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize