Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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