how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
