Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
