Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
