Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
