I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap