Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November