Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.